Near misses
Thanks for the funny home improvement stories. It's nice to know that I'm not alone and everyone should outsource the work to competent professionals.
This is my first draft of The Human Being's Guide to Business Growth:

Last weekend I moved my senior in college into his apartment. When leaving town, I note my big pile of unfinished projects (BAPUP) and figure out which ones can't be left alone while I'm gone. The list is short: keep my new grass seed wet and empty a bucket in the basement that fills with water as I chip away at a clogged drain.
Needless to say, as I arrive home I can almost smell the fresh shoots of grass growing by our new patio, but I have a funny feeling about the basement. I head down and it's all clear, dry as a desert.
Not really, I just put that there in case my family is reading. In reality, there is water all over the back of the basement. It's a big mess and I'm tired. Plus I'm late to a bar crawl. So I get grouchy, stomp around a little, and let loose with a few expletives before remembering we have an exchange student in the house.
I force a smile and note that things aren't all bad. I mumble something about life being ten percent what happens and ninety percent how I react. I feel a light mood come over my body and head upstairs. The exchange student will never know angry Greg.
As I get to the kitchem, I turn to see everyone giving me hound dog eyes, like "if you're going to kick us, that's okay. We deserve it." Including the exchange student.
Excellent. Now he has something to remember me by.
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