“Life is a series of dogs.” – George Carlin

I'm going to complain my faithful companion today. Wilson has issues. This pup is the first of my dogs to fetch. He is an athlete extraordinaire. Without knowing a lick about physics or aerodynamics he will watch you throw a Frisbee and know exactly where it's going to land. If you are bouncing a ball to him, he takes in the first ricochet and positions himself perfectly. If you're kicking a ball he will intercept it right as it leaves your foot. It's uncanny.
When it comes to smell, he's not quite as impressive as Louie the Beagle, but games of hide and seek are just as boring. I can walk about the house with the toy behind my back, depositing it in some odd location, trying to trick him my doubling back or covering it with pillows. He retraces my route and sniffs out the hidden object in less than a minute.
So why is it when I give him table scraps, he approaches each morsel as if it's poisoned? Sniff, sniff. Contemplate. Accept. Mind you, he always eats it. For a decade now. If I throw some lunch meat at him, he sidesteps it and lets it hit the floor before considering whether to eat it. If I throw a ball he's never seen before he will leap up and grab it, but a piece of roast beef? Nope.
It's kind of pissing me off just to type this out. Who does he think he is? Or, more importantly, who does he think I am? I have never tricked him in any way. His mother will try to pass off some plant based yogurt thing which he'll wisely reject, but everything from my hand is very natural, very yummy.
He's here, on the little couch, having twitchy dreams about chasing squirrels or whatever. Or maybe he's thinking of how he'll disappoint me at lunch today, when I once again toss a generous piece of ham his way. Only to see his mouth stay shut as he sidesteps the gift, looking suspicious. I've done this like two-thousand times. What the hell. Who does that?
Wilson. Mr. Wilson the Amazing Border Collie.
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