"The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter—’tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning." – Mark Twain

A dear cousin to my lovely bride passed away a few weeks ago. I attended a remembrance of her life this weekend and re-learned the power of a word.
One of my earliest management lessons was the Oreo cookie technique. I was taught that negative feedback, when couched between positive feedback, was an effective way of coaching because it kept the person being critiqued from getting too defensive as you deliver feedback. It sounded great, but in practice it was less than effective. When you started with the good behaviors you could see the listener prepping themselves for the other shoe to drop. They detected a set-up.
I relayed this ineffectiveness to my mentor. He said it usually worked for him and asked me to describe the technique to him, even though he originally taught it to me. As I role-played a feedback session he stopped me as I transitioned between the positive behavior and the one I wanted to correct.
"There, that word, did you hear it?" I admitted I didn't.
"Start over again, but instead of using 'but,' try to use 'and'."
He taught me that "but" is a limiting word in coaching. I hadn't picked up on his use of that word before. He was right. One little word, big difference.
As I listened to the grieving husband tell stories about his late spouse, he said the word "but," then stepped back, collected himself, and explained how she was teaching him to replace "but" with "and." She told him "and" allowed for multiple truths to exist at the same time. Using "but" ddi not.
Next time you say "but" while coaching someone up, catch yourself, pause, then rephrase it with "and." We can be good at one element, and bad at another at the same time. The bad part doesn't diminish the good part. They can co-exist.
Good stuff.
Rest in peace, amazing young woman. I'm guessing you were an amazing mentor.
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