“A well trained person needs only a knife to survive."
– Canadian survivalist Mors Kochanski.

I have no knife skills. I'm not talking about Tommy Lee Jones vs. Steven Seagal knife skills

I'm talking kitchen knife skills. I did a stint as a prep cook at my friendly neighborhood Applebee's for a what felt like a long time, but was probably two weeks, but their knife skills training amounted to learning how to not chop fingers off. I prepped guacamole, I chopped lettuce, and I used some industrial chopping machine for onions. I'm sure I did more, but it's a blur. I quit by slipping a note under the door really early one morning. Cowardly, sure, but intensely liberating. My kitchen confidential memoir is simply, I hated it.
My next job was at a caterer. I delivered boxed lunches to law firms and financial services offices in downtown Denver. At the time I told myself someone would look at me and say, "Hey, you don't look like you should deliver lunches. Come join our firm!" Like being discovered in Hollywood. Didn't happen. The first day on the job I was riding in the van with the guy I was replacing and when we finished the deliveries he said, "let's just stay down here and watch the Denver Grand Prix." I had never seen a race before and enjoyed it immensely. He brought a couple of the boxed lunches for the road, and it was great.
Trouble is, he never told the bosses this was happening. He was leaving the job, so he didn't care. I took the brunt of their anger, and they were angry. So angry. I got to keep the job after the owner consulted with his advisor, a palm reader. I kid you not. I quit that job a few weeks later, but before I left they discovered I used to work as a prep cook, so my last days were spent cutting onions without an industrial cutting machine.
When my lovely bride asked if there were any cooking classes I wanted to take at her school's culinary institute I said, "knife skills." She laughed. She teaches a class for the culinary students and brought my folly up with the instructor. He said, "he's right, you should start with knife skills." I would have loved to have been there to see the look on her face. "He's right." Damn skippy.
When you see my smiling face on Wednesday morning, I will have new knife skills. I just received the course reminder note, so it's really happening. Watch out.
Just in time for the new kitchen. That's a story for another time.
Make it a great week, next week.
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